Going Down Under in Phoenix

So I got this coupon, yes coupon, in the mail for vaginal reconstruction. I usually get coupons for window cleaners, airport shuttles, exterminators etc. OK so the doctors who sent out this coupon call there procedures the Aussie Makeover because they involve your "down under" region. I almost fell over laughing. Vagina plastic surgery at a deal! How can I resist using this coupon? It says it will help my self esteem (like that's where my self esteem lies) and I can save $100!


Are there women actually out there that stupid that are going to make use of this coupon? You bet!

Man vs Motel

So the BBC News had this story Grylls series 'to be transparent' about the show Man vs Wild, which is on the Discovery Channel. The show appears to be similar to another Discovery Channel show, Survivorman, in which the host is stranded in some wilderness situation and then left to his own devices to get back to civilization. That is where the similarities end. On Survivorman, Les Stroud carries all his own camera equipment and is completely alone. On Man vs Wild, Bear Grylls clearly has at least one cameraman with him. But that's not the problem that was brought up in the article. As you watch the show, you're led to believe that Bear is actually going through the whole process of survival as Les does on his show. This belief would be supported if read the show's website:

"In each episode of Man vs. Wild Bear strands himself in popular wilderness destinations where tourists often find themselves lost or in danger. As he finds his way back to civilization, he demonstrates local survival techniques..."

But according to the BBC story, sometimes Bear has scenes and survival tools (like rafts) set up for him and he stays in motels during the filming! Also, he's got a whole crew with him, not just the one cameraman. The Discovery Channel apologizes for misleading viewers and says that the show is not a documentary. It's meant to show scenarios of what to do to survive. Aside from the fact that he isn't really surviving, I've seen him take some unnecessary risks that I think the average person wouldn't be able to do or shouldn't do when trying to survive. In just one show, I saw him scale sheer cliffs for about 30 feet up from the ocean's shore, then climb about 15 feet down banyan trees into a ravine and then eat some honey straight from a bee hive. Now the last one doesn't sound that bad, but he slathered honey all around his mouth and it was all over his hands and then in the next scene he was nice and clean. So honey is sticky and attracts a lot of bugs. I'm thinking if you're in a rainforest situation, getting honey all over yourself then sleeping on the ground can't be the best idea. There's no sink in which to wash yourself.

Anyway, Bear's show is totally bogus. If you want to see a true survivor, watch Survivorman. Les is intense, doesn't take crazy risks for the sake of a good photo op and is totally hardcore!

I'll take a Royale with Cheese

So I saw this article the other day, To Woo Europeans, McDonald’s Goes Upscale. It's about how McDonald's is changing their look to lure customers into its European restaurants. They're making them over to look more upscale and adding useful luxuries, "to attract more young adults and professionals ... the chain is also adding amenities like Internet access and rental iPods." (Even their websites are cooler.)

Also, they say they use local products so as not to upset the farmers like they did in France:

"[McDonald's] experienced opposition to American corporations firsthand in 1999 when Jose Bové, the firebrand leader of a French farmers union, organized a bulldozing of a McDonald’s restaurant to protest the spread of American “hegemony.”
Mr. Hennequin reacted with a large advertising campaign promoting the American chain’s use of local produce and its creation of local jobs. McDonald’s not only organized open-door days for customers to come see its kitchens, but also invited customers to make a trip to its suppliers."

Apparently, we Americans are creatures of habit and and too stupid to deserve anything more than the clown colors and flourescent lights. Although, McDonald's has put healthier items on their menus due to the lawsuits, movies like McLibel and Super Size Me (even though they deny it) and, of course, due to the all mighty dollar.

Let Americans learn something from those Europeans:
if we don't buy it, they'll change it.

10 Reasons Not to Have Kids (Now 12)

So it seems like everyone I know is having babies right now. Must be that old biological clock ticking. Congrats to all of you!

Anyway, in honor of all those babies, I finally decided to post my Top 10 Reasons Not to Have Kids. Now, I know that people mean well, but when I tell them that I don't want kids EVER, some get that sad look of disbelief and tell me that it's different when you have your own kids. My usual response, "what if it's not different and I lock the kid in a closet because he/she is driving me crazy; will you be there to help?" That usually ends the conversation.

So I think I'll just make a business card with a link to this list on it and hand it to people when they ask me, "Why don't you want to have kids; you seem to like them?"

1. They suck the life out of you.
   
2. Can't drink for 9 months. (Plus more, if I breast feed)
   
3. You're on the hook for at least 18 years.
   
4. You can't just leave them at home with food when you go on vacation.
   
5. They bleed.
   
6. They vomit.
   
7. They shit.
   
8. They break your stuff.
   
9. They are very expensive.
   
10. All the body changes and pain that go with pregnancy and giving birth. (The next time a GUY asks me why I don't want kids, I'm gonna sock him!)
    
11. They can have you committed when you get old.
    
12. You'll have to take them to the hospital for something terrible.
    

Oh, wait, that's now 12 reasons. Too bad.